Chocolate Log

What is the point to wearing super tight clothing when riding a bike? There are a number of arguments for it, which I will strive to ruin, and a number of arguments against, looking like a complete and utter scoper being the greatest of these.

Argument 1: Lycra shorts and tight fitting tops with elasticated sleeves are comfortable.

Is it just me, or does anyone else out there hate clingy clothes? I hate the way clingy clothes dig into you and feel so restrictive to all movement. Now I know that lycra shorts are designed for cycling and allow full movement whilst the participant is partaking in the activity, but what about when you stop, get off for a walk or (and this is the funniest) to run?

James recently found that whilst doing a duatholon, running was next to impossible whilst wearing lycra and made him run like he'd pooed himself. Hmmm, practical.

Now as many of you will know, I am a fan of baggy shorts, some of which don't have chamois in them. Is it that I have a particularly leathery scrotum and arse, because I never feel uncomfortable either in or out of the saddle. I never, even after a sixty mile ride, find myself thinking "Ooh, me pods feel like they've been rubbed with emery cloth for six hours". No, I find them really comfortable, they allow me full and unrestricted leg movement and also help me to look like a human being when not on the bike (see Argument 2).

As for the tops, how can a tight fitting, clingy top which is (if like the Addiscombe jersey) not made from some high tech fabric but from polyester, be comfier than a baggy one which lets air circulate under it? How can something with an elasticated waist band (says it all really. Doesn't it!!) be more enjoyable to wear than something which hangs loose? And as for skin suits, I fail to see how something that you squeeze yourself into, which clings to the skin, can be comfortable! Or for that matter, where the comfort is in being unable to get the bloody thing off when you need a slash.

Argument 2: Tight fitting riding clothes are more aerodynamic.

There's no argument there, as they obviously will be. But how much of an advantage do you get and where does it stop?

Think about it for a minute. When riding a bike offroad, the average speed of an average rider will be about 12 miles an hour over a three hour period. Is anyone trying to tell me that this would be less if the rider was wearing baggies? What, 11.99 miles per hour? Oooh, let's get a skin suit straight away!

There has been an argument for years about the benefits of leg shaving, because there is nothing for the mud to stick to, which could slow down the rider. For god's sake, how much is a bit of bloody mud going to hinder your forwards motion? But then, if you're that bothered about aerodynamics, why not just shave your whole body and have your ears surgically removed? And as for skin suits, why not just shave your hair off, cover yourself in Vaseline and wear your bird's swimming cossie!

Argument 3: Whilst riding bikes, lycra shorts and tight fitting tops look good.

Of course they do, all skin tight clothes look cool, which is why drainpipe jeans are all the fashion. Nope, lycra shorts and tight tops make the wearer look like a cross between a sex-case and a packet of Chewits, especially as most come adorned with bright colours and jaunty logos. Yes, the bright tops may add a level of safety as the rider is more visible to car drivers, but the driver is more likely to run you over so that you'll never fiddle with kids again! Also, what happens if your manhood becomes aroused? There's no hiding the bugger when you're wearing lycra, is there; I'm surprised people don't take cushions out with them when wearing the stuff to hide their 'embarrassment'! And as for skin suits, need I say anything?

So, there you go, my views on lycra and the rest. I expect to see some good flaming in the forum, where as mentioned above, I'll argue the case until I get bored of doing so and then resort to swearing. See you there.

Next week's rant / discussion point will be about the following: Roadies, why are they all miserable bastards?